What Is Over-Parenting & Are You Doing It?

Are you constantly hovering over your kids, shielding them from every bump and bruise? 

Do you jump in and help your little darling finish their Geography homework because they’re a little stuck?

Or do you keep them so busy with extracurricular activities, hobbies and playdates because you fear they’ll get bored?

If you answered yes to any of the above, you might be a helicopter parent.

While it’s natural to want to protect our kids from harm and ensure they get good grades, the risk of excessive involvement in their lives (and keeping them in bubble wrap) might actually hinder their growth and development.

Intrigued? Continue reading.

Understanding Over-Parenting

Over-parenting, or “helicopter parenting”, is like micromanagement with a capital M. 

But what exactly is it?

It’s when parents are overly involved in their kids’ lives. This includes anything and everything from doing their homework and planning their social lives to monitoring their whereabouts, solving their problems, and, and, and…

While we want to protect our kids from the ugliness of the world and help them succeed, we need to remember that “failure” is often the best teacher. 

Didn’t study for a test? Then, receive a zero on your report. 

Don’t know how to wash the dishes? Figure it out. 

We must remember that our kids won’t get it right initially – and that’s okay. But over time, they’ll get it, just like we did back in the day! Besides, our children learn to walk and talk on their own, right? So why can’t they do their schoolwork or cut up their food at the dinner table?

What are the consequences of over-parenting?

If we keep doing everything for our children, we’re not teaching them anything that prepares them for the big wide world. The worst part? Over-parenting often backfires. In fact, research shows it can lead to:

• A lack of resilience
• Sense of entitlement and narcissistic behaviours
• A lack of life skills
• Lower self-esteem
• Poor coping skills
• Increased anxiety and depression

Why do parents over-parent?

There are a couple of reasons why parents may over-parent:

• Societal pressures: Social expectations and peer pressure can influence parents to be more involved with their kids. We all have that one mum friend on Facebook… 
• Comparison: Parents may compare their kids to others, leading to a sense of embarrassment or disappointment if their children don’t live up to a particular “standard”.
• Fear and anxiety: Parents may worry excessively about their children’s safety and well-being.
• Personal experiences: Parents may base their parenting style on their own upbringing or become obsessed with giving their kids the opportunities they might have missed out on.
• Temperament: Parents who are naturally anxious, fearful or nervous tend to over-parent more than laid-back ones.
• Perfectionism: Parents might push their kids to succeed in academics, sports and cultural activities as they want their kids to lead “perfect” lives.

Am I a “helicopter”?

Here are 10 common signs that might indicate you’re a helicopter parent:

1. Doing your child’s homework or school projects.
2. Calling the teacher to ask for a better grade for your kid.
3. Accompanying your child to a job interview or negotiating a salary on their behalf.
4. Taking over a task or chores whenever your kid feels a little stuck.
5. Planning and micromanaging your kid’s activities.
6. Overplanning your child’s life and leaving little room for relaxation.
7. Shielding your kid from discomforts or making excuses to avoid natural consequences.
8. Demanding your child get an award in competitions.
9. Not allowing your youngster to make decisions like choosing a college or what to wear.
10. Keep your child – even your teen – with you at all times.

The Importance Of Letting Go

Imagine a world where your child is so reliant on you that they struggle to make a simple decision or wipe their own bum at 16? Sounds scary, right? Unfortunately, this may be the reality for many children with overprotective, do-it-all-for-them parents.

We all want our kids to be safe and successful but doing everything for them isn’t helping. We want them to grow up to be resilient, responsible and rad, so we need to learn to take the backseat sometimes and loosen the reins (as hard as it might be!).

We need to help our kids help themselves. It isn’t our job to “fix it for them” or our responsibility to make them happy – check out this video by Dr. Becky Kennedy if you don’t believe us.

We can certainly guide them but rescuing them from every single setback robs them of the opportunity to learn, grow and become independent.

Is It Time To Let Go?

There is often always good intention behind over-parenting. But sometimes, we take “good” parenting to a whole new level. If you tend to hover over your kids a bit more than you should, it’s normally fine (it happens to the best of us!), and there’s nothing to feel bad about. 

However, there’s a fine line between being a good, responsive parent and one that goes overboard.

Here are a few questions to reflect on:

• Do you praise your kid for every little thing?
• Do you treat your children like they are younger than they are and refuse to let them take on age-appropriate tasks?
• Are you uncomfortable if your child is bored? 
• Is nothing your kid does ever good enough? Do you expect more, more, MORE?
• Do you not let your older kid use public transport or attend school camps?
• Do you refuse to let your child fail out of fear of embarrassment?
• Do you compare your kid to others and wish they were different?

Expert advice

Michele Borba, an educational psychologist and bestselling author, suggests a simple yet effective exercise to assess your parenting expectations: the rubber band test. 

• Pick up a good strong rubber band. Hold it firmly at both ends with two hands. 
• Now, think of all the expectations you have for your child. 
• Pull the rubber band tighter for every expectation that doesn’t seem to fit their personality. For example, you want your son to be the next David Beckham, but he’s more into chess. 
• On the other hand, if your kid is more naturally gifted at art and you’re encouraging them to pursue it, let the band relax.

If the rubber is pulled so tight that it might snap, you and your kid might be in trouble. This shows you may be putting too much pressure on them, and perhaps your expectations are a little too high. The key is to find a balanced parenting style; otherwise, you or your kid might snap…

Common Pitfalls And How To Avoid Them

Most times, parents over-parent without even realising it. But by recognising a few common pitfalls, you can take proactive steps to avoid them.

Here are a few examples:

Pitfall	Solution
Feeling responsible for your child’s entertainment and happiness.	Allow your kids to get bored so they can figure out creative ways to keep themselves busy – and happy!
Always doing things for your child.	Provide your kid with the tools to do things themselves. For example, show them how to wash the dishes and then leave them to do it.
Constantly shielding them from discomforts or stress.	Allow your kid to bump their head so they can learn natural consequences. Didn’t finish an assignment? Then, receive a zero on your report.
Excessive micromanaging.	Give your kid space to sort out their own social calendar, sports and activities.

Parent Tip: The Balancing Act 

Nobody said being a parent was easy, and most of us are doing the best we can with what we have. It’s easy to slip into helicopter mode without realising it. Luckily, by being mindful and reflecting on your parenting style, we can take a step back and allow our children to flourish – on their own! 

Here are a few ways to move forward and take a more balanced approach:

• Encourage independence: Gradually allow your youngsters to take on more responsibilities around the house, such as light chores. Or set age-specific expectations as a way for them to earn a bit of [pocket money].
• Set boundaries: Establish clear limits and expectations on your involvement in tasks your child can manage themselves. These can be anything from researching a history assignment to laying out school clothes the night before or making their own snacks. 
• Encourage problem-solving: Instead of stepping in at the first sign of trouble, encourage your kids to have a go first. 
• Let kids speak for themselves: Teach your child to stand up for themselves and voice their opinions, whether confronting a bully or asking for a raise at work.
• Nurture resilience: Allow your kid to bump their head (figurately, of course!). This teaches them effective coping skills when minor setbacks happen.

The Conversation Continues

We all parent from a place of love, but over-parenting can hinder our children’s development. The goal of parenting is not to create perfect children but to raise happy, healthy and independent individuals. By letting go of the need to control every aspect of their lives, we can build stronger bonds with our children and set them up for success.

Please share any thoughts, feedback or tips in the comments below – we’re in this together!

We’d love to hear what you think…