Let’s be honest – family squabbles are as common as toast for breakfast, especially as our kids get older. It’s easy for things to get heated when everyone has their own ideas about how things should be.
What you may not realise is that these little clashes can actually be healthy. They give everybody a chance to learn a thing or two about patience, understanding and the ability to voice one’s opinion in a safe environment.
We’re human – and we all have our good and bad days, including our kids.
But the key to fixing these conflicts lies in how they are managed.
When we understand why our little (or big) ones are upset and use smart tactics to sort things out, we’re equipping them with the tools to handle big emotions, both at home and in the big wide world.
Ready to find out more?
Let’s jump in.
Get To The Bottom Of It: Understanding The Root Cause Of Conflict
Sometimes, the reasons behind family arguments are crystal clear, while others are a bit more hidden.
For instance, your toddler might throw a tantrum when their sandwiches are cut into triangles instead of squares (because they’re not very good at communicating their needs yet). On the other hand, doors slammed by an annoyed teen could indicate deeper frustrations (resulting from school stress or a fallout with a friend).
Let’s look below the surface of what could be causing conflicts with your kids:
Toddler years
Toddlers develop at lightning speed between the ages of one and three as they learn about themselves and the world around them. This newfound sense of self often leads to clashes with parents, siblings, and peers – here’s why:
- Testing boundaries: Little kids are naturally curious and want to explore their limits. They might test rules and boundaries to see what they can get away with, which often results in tantrums when things don’t turn out how they want.
- Communication difficulties: Toddlers are still learning to express themselves with words. Frustration can build up when they can’t communicate their needs effectively. Which explains those mega meltdowns, right?
- Emotion regulation: Much like difficulties with words, toddlers are also still learning about how they feel and which emotions mean what. This is why tantrums are common, as they “figure out” big emotions.
- Autonomy: As toddlers develop and become more independent, they want to do more things for themselves – known as autonomy. While we want to keep our kiddos out of harm’s way, it’s okay to let them do things for themselves as being overprotective often leads to tantrums and outbursts.
Adolescence years
The teenage years are a rollercoaster of growth and change, both physically and emotionally. Some common reasons why teens act out include:
- Craving independence: Teens are eager to spread their wings and make their own choices. Fights can stem from the lack of autonomy regarding curfew, dating, and clothing choices, among other things.
- Hormonal changes: Raging hormones can make teenagers more emotional and irritable, resulting in mood swings and more conflicts.
- Peer pressure: Friends are often at the centre of a teenager’s world, and conflicts may arise when parental viewpoints don’t match their mates’. For instance, you may not allow your kid to go to a party, so your teen throws a fit because “everyone is going”.
- Stress: Kids of today have a lot more stress to deal with than we did in our day. Social media, online games and mobile phones may open the virtual doors to cyberbullying, body shaming, and who knows what else – things your teen might be having a hard time with and finding difficult to navigate.
- Separation/divorce: Older kids are more in tune with what’s happening in the family. They might be acting out if dynamics are changing (e.g. separation/divorce) and don’t know how to cope with their emotions.
- Different perspectives: As teens grow, so do their interests and opinions, which can sometimes cause conflicts when their ideas don’t align with yours. For example, your kid might have been a great swimmer in primary school but has decided they want to try horse riding instead. While you might have had your heart set on them being the first Olympian in the family, you need to respect your children’s decisions – within reason, of course.
- Miscommunication: Sometimes, simple misunderstandings can be blown out of proportion which can cause conflicts between parents and kids.
Be A Role Model In Healthy Conflict Resolution
As parents, we are our children’s first role models. How we handle disagreements or frustrations directly affects how our kids will approach theirs. By remaining cool, calm, and collected, we’re teaching them invaluable lessons about effective communication and problem-solving – that includes when someone cuts us off in traffic!
Here are our tips:
- Take a deep breath: Simple breathing exercises can help you relax and think more clearly before retaliating.
- Choose your words wisely: Avoid swearing, hurtful words, and blaming. Instead, express your feelings openly, honestly, and respectfully. For example, instead of yelling at your kid because they spilt milk, say, “Never mind, it was only an accident.”
- Use “I” statements: Practise using “I” statements when expressing your own feelings. Instead of saying, “You make me so mad when you do X”, try “I feel [insert emotion] when you do X”.
- Listen: Pay attention to what the other person is saying without interrupting. For example, before you get upset about why your teen missed curfew, find out the details and let them tell you their side of the story. You never know; they might have been late because they waited for an Uber after realising their designated driver had been drinking.
- Take a break: Learn to walk away when discussions get heated before you say something you might regret. You can tell your child that you’ll pick up the conversation in X minutes.
- Find solutions: Once everyone has had their say, focus on finding a solution that works for everybody.
Parent Tip: Teach Kids How To Resolve Conflicts Like A Pro
Kids are not born with problem-solving skills or the ability to manage their emotions. They learn to cope and deal with these issues as they grow, and it’s our duty as parents to guide them.
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In fact, kids who learn how to manage their emotions develop better social interactions and relationships in the long run.
Teach kids to:
- Express their feelings openly and honestly, using “I” statements when conflicts arise.
- Listen to other people’s perspectives and feelings.
- Show empathy towards others and how different situations may make them feel.
- Practise deep breathing and count to 10 before responding to conflict.
- Set boundaries and explain to others what they will and will not tolerate.
- Forgive and not hold grudges. Explain how everyone can make mistakes.
Expert advice
Experts from London Governess suggest that parents can practise role-playing different scenarios with their children to help them navigate different situations. This might include acting out what to do when a friend won’t share their toys or when teens argue with their peers.
Setting Boundaries And Rules for Conflict
It’s important for families to establish clear boundaries regarding what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. For instance, it’s okay for [children to talk about their feelings], but it’s not okay to scream and shout. Consistency is key to making this work!
If you don’t believe us, here’s what experts from Nursery World had to say: “An effective approach [to conflict management] is when the adult makes it clear to the child what the problem is; how they might do it differently next time; how they can sort out disputes with the help of an adult and, later, among themselves.”
“An ineffective approach includes using distractions; ignoring unwanted behaviour; sanctioning children; and telling them off. Basically, when the adult is not engaging with a child or teaching them anything new.”
Healing The Hurt: Post-Conflict Repair
Even the most loving family experiences conflicts and setbacks. What matters most is how we handle these squabbles and repair the damage. Again, being a role model is the single most important thing a parent can do after an argument – kids are like sponges and, well, you know the rest…
Why is post-conflict repair important?
- Keeps relationships intact: Healing the hurt strengthens the bonds between you and your kids and, in turn, their future relationships with peers and partners.
- Emotional healing: It prevents resentment from building up and provides a safe space to process all the feelings involved and move on.
- Life lessons: Conflict resolution helps us and our kids understand the impact of our actions on others, take responsibility for our actions and allow us to apologise sincerely.
The Conversation Continues
Family conflicts are going to happen, but knowing how to manage them effectively can make it less stressful for everyone. By figuring out where your kids’ frustrations stem from and practising healthy conflict management yourself, you’re teaching your kiddos valuable lessons that will last a lifetime.
Please share your thoughts, tips or suggestions in the comments below. We’re in this together!
We’d love to hear what you think…
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