“Mum/dad, so-and-so asked me out! Can I go?”
This question is bound to pop up during family chats or around the dinner table. But before you drop your knife and fork, you need to realise that you’re committed to guiding your kids through life’s ups and downs – including the dating world.
But when is the right time to allow our children to start dating?
(Here’s a hint: It’s a lot younger than we did back in the day…)
Let’s explore the nitty gritty details together.
When Can Kids Date?
Research shows that the average age kids start dating is 12.5 for girls and 13.5 for boys. However, it’s important to remember that everyone matures at different rates. This doesn’t mean that every parent is comfortable with the idea of their child dating at this age either.
But before we get ahead of ourselves, it’s a good idea to find out what “dating” means to our kids. For younger teens, dating might simply mean hanging out with a special friend in a group setting, like going to the movies or grabbing a bite to eat. This is a safe way for them to socialise and start building relationships without the pressure (and awkwardness!) of one-on-one dates.
That said, it’s important to assess their emotional maturity and readiness before they plunge headfirst into the dating world. Here are a few signs to look out for:
Emotional readiness
- Self-awareness: Can they identify their feelings and express them clearly and appropriately? Do they have the coping skills to manage their emotions properly?
- Empathy: Do they understand and consider others’ feelings and how their actions can make an impact?
- Boundaries: Can they set limits and respect boundaries for themselves and others?
- Communication: Can they communicate effectively and listen to what others say without interrupting?
- Responsibility: Do they own up to their mistakes and genuinely make amends?
- Attitude: Are they considerate of others? Do they have a positive attitude and the ability to compromise? Or do they always think they are right?
- Social behaviour: How does your child interact with others? Are they outgoing and confident or quiet and withdrawn? While quieter kids can absolutely have healthy relationships, it’s important to consider their social skills and comfort levels in social settings.
Signs of early interest in relationships
It’s natural for youngsters to develop crushes and show interest in romantic relationships, especially around the time [puberty] starts. Here are a few common signs:
- Increased social awareness: You might find your teen is starting to pay more attention to how they look, what they wear, and what others think of them.
- Flirtatious behaviour: You may notice that your child is teasing, joking around or flirting playfully with their friends, especially those they have a crush on.
- Increased interest in others: Your kid might spend more time talking about (or looking at) others in a more serious way. They might also express a desire to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or begin to ask more questions about relationships.
How To Talk To Your Kid About Relationships
As we said, when kids first mention dating, find out what the concept means to them. Are they genuinely interested in someone, or are they just doing what everyone else is doing?
While these chats can seem awkward for both of you, pay attention to how your child reacts when you bring up the subject. If they become closed-off or defensive, it might be best to wait a little longer, as it could mean they’re not quite ready for a relationship (or the conversation) just yet. However, if they’re curious and ask questions, it’s a great opportunity to have a deeper chat.
Here are a few tips to guide you:
- Ask open-ended questions: Ask your child what a relationship means to them. Is it about having a special friend they sit next to in class, or do they have a whimsical fantasy based on movies? Understanding your child’s interpretation of a relationship will set the tone for the rest of the conversation.
- Spark the conversation: Use books, movies or real-time situations to spark conversations about relationships. Perhaps you can ask your child what your and your partner’s relationship looks like to them, or reference movies to get the conversation started.
- Lay the foundation: Talk about topics such as mutual respect, kindness, empathy and consent. Explain how relationships are not always what the movies (or social media) make them out to be. While you don’t want to be a “sad Sally”, kids must realise these subtle differences and expectations.
- Create a safe space: Let your children know they can come to you with questions without feeling judged or afraid. Create an environment for them to [talk about their feelings], wishes, and concerns. Being hostile or dismissive in these early stages can prevent them from coming to you about bigger problems in the future.
- Active listening: Show genuine interest in what your child has to say. That means putting your mobile phone away and making eye contact – essential skills about what it means to be in a relationship.
- Avoid getting too personal: While we can explain our past relationships to our kids, it’s best to let them figure out the dating world on their own (within reason, of course!). This allows them to find out what they like and dislike as their experience might be different to yours, and vice versa.
- Be an example: Let’s be real; kids learn by watching us. If they see you treating your partner with respect and kindness, they’re likely to do the same. On the flip side, if they see you yelling or being rude, they might think that’s what a “normal” relationship looks like.
- Speak about empathy and honesty: Explain the importance of treating others with kindness, being able to compromise and “honesty is the best policy”. And remember, it’s totally fine if or when they lose feelings for someone – what matters is how they treat the other person.
- Boundary talk: Talk about the importance of setting boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. This could be something simple, like not forcing their boy/girlfriend to watch a scary movie they don’t like, or something more serious, like discussing sexual consent as they get older.
Here are a few wise words from the American Academy of Pediatrics: “Remember that every teen is different, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to parenting during this stage. By fostering open communication, establishing clear boundaries, and offering unwavering support, parents can help their teens navigate the complexities of relationships with confidence and resilience.”
The Lowdown On Setting Age-Appropriate Boundaries
Navigating the balance between giving your child freedom and setting boundaries can be tricky. Luckily, we’ve got a few tips to help you strike the right balance!
Age-appropriate guidelines
Parents must set clear expectations about what is and isn’t acceptable “dating” behaviour.
This might look like:
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- Allowing younger teens to “date” in a supervised group setting like going to the movies, but not allowing one-on-one dating until X age.
- For older teens, you might have a house rule of no closed doors in the bedroom.
- Setting screen time and social media limits to prevent kids from chatting until who knows what hour. Alternatively, you can tell your child you’re going to install parental controls – like mSpy – on their devices. This is not to “spy” on them (because kids do need their privacy) but to ensure conversations aren’t too “mature”.
- Discuss digital safety and the consequences of what is said and sent via mobile phones. Did you know that 19% of teens are underage when they receive their first sexual image? Scary!
As your child grows and matures, you can gradually loosen the reins and tweak these boundaries to what you feel is appropriate.
Age-specific relationship expectations
| 12 to 14-year-old dating | 15+ year old dating |
|---|---|
| Focus on building strong friendships. | Consider one-on-one dating. |
| Adult supervised group “dating” activities. | Set clear expectations (e.g. curfew). |
| Encourage open communication about their feelings. | Encourage open communication about relationships, including consent. |
| Set limits on social media. | Discuss digital safety (e.g. sexting). |
What About Peer Pressure?
The people our kids hang out with can significantly influence their decisions, including when it comes to dating. In fact, older teens often rely on their peers for advice, as they feel more connected to someone closer to their age.
But fear not! While peer pressure isn’t always clear, parents can keep an eye out for these subtle changes:
- Changes in appearance: While teens are at the age of figuring out their unique sense of style, sudden changes in their appearance (such as clothes, makeup, etc.) might show they feel pressured to fit in with a certain friend group.
- Changes in behaviour: Again, teens are testing the boundaries as they age. However, if you notice they suddenly start dating (when they’ve had no inclination to the idea before) or act out of character, it could be a sign of peer pressure.
- Fear of missing out (a.k.a. FOMO): If your child feels pressured to fit in or be popular, they might do things they wouldn’t normally do.
Expert advice
Experts from Barnardo’s Family Space encourage parents to teach their children that they have the right to make their own decisions, regardless of what their friends say. They suggest exploring these five questions with their teens to help them better understand what peer pressure is and why they might feel the need to fit in:
- What is peer influence?
- What can peer influence lead to?
- Do they feel the need to fit in?
- How far would they go to be accepted by their peers?
- Do they hate to stand out as different from others?
Additionally, they also suggest that parents “may limit their [child’s] choice of friends, but [to] remind [their] teenager that this isn’t a bad thing. Encourage teenagers to have a few reliable and trustworthy friends [and] discourage a circle of “friends” who are immature, reckless and irresponsible.”
The Conversation Continues
While there’s no magic age for kids to start dating, it’s clear they are starting younger than we did. The key is to be open, honest, and supportive and remember that this isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution for all families or kids.
Parents must talk to their children about relationships, set clear boundaries and let them know you’re there for them – including those hard chats about potential heartbreak!
By assessing their maturity and readiness, you can guide your child through this exciting (and often awkward) stage of life like a pro!
And remember, it’s okay to be a bit cautious – we’re navigating the dating department together! Please share any of your experiences, tips, or suggestions in the comments below.
We’d love to hear what you think…
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