Let’s face it, as parents, we juggle a million things to keep our kids healthy and happy. We stress about their veggies, video games, grades, and, of course, their emotional well-being.
We want them to eat right, get moving, and maybe even crack open a book once in a while. But on top of all that, we also want them to feel comfortable talking to us about anything, even the messy stuff. Those conversations about their feelings? Those can be the toughest ones of all!
Yet, getting a moody teenager to open up about their emotions can feel as unlikely as The Spice Girls showing up at your year-end office party. Teens, in particular, often keep their feelings locked away, leaving parents confused and frustrated about how to reach them, right?
Between social media drama, online games, and who-knows-what lurking on the internet, it can feel overwhelming for our kids. That’s why it’s more important than ever to get them to talk about their feelings.
So let’s jump into this topic – hook, line, and sinker!
The Importance of Emotional Conversations
Talking things through with our kids helps establish their own well-being toolkit for life. These chats help them learn how to manage stress like a champ, better understand their own feelings and bounce back from what life throws at them – all essential skills for adulthood.
Let’s take a closer look:
Emotional regulation
- Stress and anxiety reduction: Allowing our kids to express their emotions helps them decompress and release built-up tension, anxiety, and stress. We know how much better we feel after getting whatever is bothering us off our chest and this is the same for our youngsters.
- Sidestep depressive symptoms: Open, non-judgemental conversations can act as a therapeutic outlet, helping kids understand their feelings and reducing symptoms of depression. It’s normal for children to feel sad, irritable, and mad from time to time. However, the key lies in working through these big emotions before they escalate to significant mental health problems or behavioural issues.
Emotional intelligence development
- Increased self-awareness: When children express their emotions they understand their thoughts and feelings better. This self-awareness nurtures self-esteem and confidence, allowing them to recognise negative emotional triggers and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
- Empathy and social skills: Teaching kids to identify and express their feelings boosts their ability to recognise emotions in others, promoting empathy and compassion. These social skills are super important for forming healthy relationships and interacting with peers.
Improved coping mechanisms
- Resilience: Expressing emotions helps children develop emotional resilience, giving them the mental strength to navigate tough situations and challenges.
- Healthy communication: Children who know how to express themselves handle difficult situations and communicate their needs much more easily. This ability reduces the likelihood of engaging in self-destructive behaviour and improves their overall mental health.
What happens when kids don’t want to talk about their feelings?
When your kid keeps everything bottled up, it’s like a pressure cooker waiting to explode! This can lead to all sorts of problems further down the line, like anxiety, feeling down in the dumps or even acting out. And guess what? It’s not just kids who suffer – those around them – parents, siblings, teachers, friends – are often left to pick up the pieces!
The good news? Giving our kids the space to express their emotions freely allows them to practise empathy and healthy communication skills. They learn to resolve conflicts positively and regulate their emotions. This sets them up for strong, lasting relationships throughout their lives.
And let’s be real, life throws curveballs – a bad day at work, relationship issues, losing someone we love. But if your child has learnt to manage their emotions and talk about their feelings, they’ll have the tools to bounce back and keep going.
Sure, conversations can be hard in the beginning, but they are a lifeline for handling tough situations.
3 Key Questions To Ask Your Children
Here are our top three questions to ask your kids on a regular basis.
1. “How are you feeling today?”
This simple question is like taking your kid’s emotional temperature. It sets the tone of the conversation and lets them know you’re interested in their inner worlds.
Here are a few ways to ask it in different contexts:
- After school: “How was your day? Did anything exciting happen?”
This casual, laid-back approach can lead kids to share their overall emotional experience. It’s not forceful or intrusive and allows kids to explain their day exactly how they experienced it, without judgement. - During dinner: “Tell me about something funny that happened today.”
Focusing on positive emotions can create a warm, upbeat and inviting atmosphere for sharing personal stories. It’s even better if the whole family takes turns sharing a daily dose of laughter! - Before bed: “What made you really happy today?”
This creates a calming routine, reflecting on the positive wins of the day. Sometimes the smallest things mean the most to our kids, like laughing together at dinner time!
2. “What was the best part of your day?”
This question helps our children focus on the highlights of their day. By sharing positive moments, memories and experiences, they learn to appreciate the good things in life and develop a sense of gratitude.
This can be anything from a funny joke a friend told to a great goal they scored in football practice. These small yet impactful moments really do mean the world to our children, boosting their self-confidence and self-esteem.
But this doesn’t mean we’re masking our kid’s emotions with a sense of false positivity.
We’re just broadening their horizons so they can see the good in life. Even though dark days happen from time to time, there is light at the end of the tunnel and the world isn’t going to end because they failed their maths exam…
3. “Is there anything that’s worrying you?”
This question opens the door for your child to share any anxieties or worries they might have. By asking it regularly, you let them know it’s okay not to be okay some days and that you’re always there to listen and offer a helping hand.
This can be anything from having a fallout with a friend, a breakup, not getting picked for the school’s hockey team or more serious concerns like cyberbullying, self-harm or other destructive activities.
No matter the severity of the problem, we as parents CANNOT fly off the handle and act irrationally. We must respond with empathy and compassion to help our children in whatever it is they are going through.
Here’s how:
- Active listening: Active listening is key in allowing our children to speak their minds and express their emotions. Pay close attention to their words and body language. Show them you are fully present and interested in what they have to say – yes, put your mobile phone away!
- Validate their feelings: Let them know it’s okay to feel worried, anxious, sad, etc. Phrases like “Wow, that does sound scary”, “It’s normal to feel nervous about that,” or “Everything is going to be okay,” are very reassuring for youngsters and help settle their nerves.
- Offer support: Help them brainstorm solutions or offer comfort and reassurance. It’s amazing what a hug can do, even for the moodiest teenager! Let them know you’re there to help them through this rough patch.
You might consider professional intervention – counsellor, psychologist – if your child is experiencing severe distress or needs expert help in navigating traumatic situations (e.g. family death, abuse, bullying)
Note: If you’re worried about your child (up to the age of 25), Young Minds has a Parent’s Helpline you can call for support.
Tips for effective communication
Experts from the Child Mind Institute encourage parents to have open, honest conversations with their children to build stronger relationships.
Here are some tips:
- Create a safe and non-judgmental environment: Establish a safe space to ensure your child feels comfortable opening up about their feelings. Avoid lecturing your kid (even though it can be hard at times!) – this can do more damage than good for your relationship. Build trust, avoid being judgmental and respect their privacy to create a lasting, loving relationship.
- Open-ended conversations: Avoid yes/no questions. Instead, use open-ended prompts like “What was the best part of your day?” or “How did that make you feel?” to encourage your child to share deeper feelings, worries, or concerns.
- Make time for check-ins: Carve out time each day to check in with your children. These can be sit-down family dinners, games nights, or family walks.
- Solve problems together: Involve your child in problem-solving when conflicts arise. This collaborative approach empowers them and teaches critical thinking while reinforcing that their opinions matter and they are heard.
- Use “I” statements: Kids learn from those around them. Use “I” statements when expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs. For instance, instead of saying “You never listen,” try “I feel frustrated when I don’t feel heard”. This approach promotes open dialogue, reduces defensiveness and better explains how we/our kids are feeling.
Parent Tip: Age-Appropriate Conversations
Just like your child’s favourite superhero grows stronger with training, their ability to understand and express emotions gets better with practice. The way we talk to our kids should evolve as they get older.
Here are a few tips for different age groups:
Younger children
- Keep it simple: Use basic words like happy, sad, mad, and scared. You can even use pictures, charts, or worksheets with different emotions to help them identify their feelings. Having a “worry jar” where kids can pop a strip of paper describing their feelings is also a good technique to try!
- Focus on the fundamentals: Teach kids the basic boundaries of emotions, like “It’s okay to feel mad sometimes, but hitting is not okay.” Never make your child feel that any emotion is “bad”. Allow them to express their emotions without judgement – but within reason, of course.
- Active listening is key: Pay close attention to their body language and facial expressions. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words!
- Make it fun: Use stories, songs, and games to help them learn about emotions. Reading books with characters who experience different feelings can be a great way to spark discussions.
- Lead by example: Even adults have a hard time regulating their emotions at times. Remember, little eyes are always watching, so practise what you preach!
Older children
- Encourage openness: Create a safe space where your tween/teen feels comfortable talking about anything, even if it’s embarrassing or difficult. Kids should feel comfortable going to their parents about any issue, even if they are at fault.
- Use real-life examples: For parents of older kids who want to speak about “hard topics” like sex or drugs, consider starting these conversations with real-life examples. For instance, you could say “I recently read a story online about XYZ. What are your thoughts?”.
- Go deeper: Explore the nuances of emotions. Discuss the difference between feeling frustrated and angry, or nervous and excited. This allows teens to pinpoint how they feel, boosting better emotional intelligence.
- Active listening: Even though older kids might seem grown-up, they still need to feel heard and understood. Don’t interrupt or dismiss their feelings.
- Respect their privacy: While open communication is important, respect their need for privacy as well. Don’t pry or pressure them to share something they’re not comfortable talking about yet – they will come around soon enough. However, if you notice serious behavioural changes, it’s time to intervene!
- Don’t break their trust: It takes courage for adolescents to come forward about how they feel. Respect this, and don’t blurt out all their troubles at the next family gathering. This will only cause them to avoid sharing their feelings in future!
- Be a role model: Show them how you manage your own emotions. Talk about your feelings openly and honestly and set a good example – yes, that includes when someone cuts you off in traffic!
The Conversation Continues
Now that we’ve explored ways to effectively chat with our kids about sharing their emotions, are there any strategies or tips you’d like to share? Join the discussion and leave your comments below – we’d love to hear your thoughts!
