Have you ever lost your cool with your kid, only to be whacked with a prang of Mum or Dad guilt? You’re not alone.
Parenting doesn’t come with a manual. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions, and even the most patient parent can snap. But these family conflicts can be a turning point – an opportunity for growth, repair and deeper connection with our kids.
As Dr. Becky Kennedy, the “millennial parent whisperer,” wisely puts it: “It’s not the yelling that messes up a kid. It’s the lack of repair after yelling that messes up a kid.”
Let’s jump into the often-overlooked parenting strategy of repair and how it can be used as a powerful tool to strengthen the bond between you and your children.
What Is Repair And Why Is It Important?
Repair in parenting is about acknowledging and addressing moments of conflicts, disconnection or misunderstandings. Basically, it’s how we parents own up to our mistakes (“ruptures”) to repair the bond with our kids.
Imagine you snapped at your teen for not cleaning their room, only to realise later that you may have gone a tad overboard.
This is the perfect opportunity to practice repair.
You can approach your kid, apologise for your outburst and explain why you reacted the way you did (without shifting the blame, that is!). You can repair the damage and strengthen the relationship by taking ownership of your mistakes with open, honest, calm conversations.
Again, in the wise words of Dr Becky Kennedy: “Repair is really the act of going back to a moment that didn’t feel good, taking responsibility, reconnecting and making a plan for going forward. You know, kind of change the ending of a story.”
Why does it matter?
Let’s face it: Every parent has moments when they lose their temper or say things they regret. It’s part of being human. These bumps in the road are a normal part of being a parent. But the key to fixing them lies in what you do afterwards – here’s why:
- Builds trust: When we acknowledge our mistakes and work to repair our relationship with our children, we’re teaching them that it’s okay to make mistakes. This act of forgiveness helps our kids develop trust and makes them feel more secure.
- Promotes resilience: Ruptures teach our children that while bad things can happen, they can be fixed. This builds resilience – a superpower that helps them bounce back from life’s setbacks.
- Lead by example: Repairing conflicts healthily shows your kid how to handle disagreements. When you apologise, take ownership of mistakes and make amends, you’re teaching kids invaluable life lessons they’ll use one day.
If we don’t address the aftermath of the metaphorical storm, our kids may internalise these situations and blame themselves (more on this in a minute).
Beyond apology
A simple apology can be a good start, but it’s not always enough for true repair, which involves:
- Acknowledging the hurt: Recognising the impact of our actions on our child’s feelings without any judgment.
- Taking ownership: Taking responsibility for our mistakes without any excuses.
- Making amends: Taking steps to make things right, such as offering a hug, spending quality time together or simply [listening to how they feel].
- Learning from mistakes: Reflecting on the situation and pinpointing ways to avoid similar scenarios in the future.
The Psychological Impact Of Repair
If [family conflicts] are ignored, kids may internalise these scenarios as personal failures. This can cause them to blame themselves, leading to feelings of shame, guilt or not being “enough”.
The scarier part? Research shows that poorly resolved conflicts can place children at a higher risk of:
- Mental health issues
- Negative peer relationships
- Behavioural problems
- Difficulties at school
- Smoking, [vaping] and substance abuse
The benefits of repair
Repair isn’t just about fixing a broken moment; it’s about shaping our youngster’s future. Our kids develop a strong foundation for healthy, fulfilling relationships when we consistently practise mindful parenting and repair.
Here are the upsides:
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- Builds trust and stronger family connections
- Kids feel more valued, secure and emotionally stable
- Encourages open communication
- Kids are less likely to self-blame
- Reduced risks of depression and anxiety
- Teaches accountability
- Promotes resilience and emotional awareness
- Helps develop empathy
- Teaches problem-solving and conflict resolution
- Creates a positive home environment
- Teaches forgiveness and that it’s okay to make mistakes
- Boosts self-esteem
Parent Tip: How To Effectively Repair With Your Child
Here we look at ways to repair with yourself first before approaching your kid:
Step 1: Repair with yourself
- Be kind to yourself: It’s important to remember that a single “bad” action does not define you as a parent. Instead of labelling yourself as a “bad parent”, recognise that you just had a challenging moment – and that’s totally okay.
- Ground yourself: Take a moment (or seven!) to calm down and reflect on what just happened before you broach the subject with your child. This helps you understand what set you off. A little self-reflection never hurt anyone, right?
Step 2: Approach your child with empathy and accountability
Once you’ve calmed down, it’s time to approach your kid.
Here are a few pointers for a repair conversation:
- Name what happened: Clearly explain why you were upset and what caused your outburst. Use “I” statements to name your emotions. For example, “I yelled at you earlier when you didn’t clean your room because I was frustrated.”
- Take responsibility: Own up to your actions in the situation. You could say something like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. That was not okay.”
- Learn from your mistakes: Make amends by expressing how you’ll do better next time. For example, “I’ll try to stay calm next time, even if I’m feeling frustrated.”
By taking accountability for your mistakes and apologising sincerely, you’re showing the kiddies what it takes to be a good person (and parent).
Common Pitfalls In Repair And How to Avoid Them
While repair is a powerful tool, it’s important it doesn’t backfire. Here, we discuss three examples of counterproductive repairs:
| Pitfall | Example | Solution |
|---|---|---|
| Justifying your behaviour | This involves making excuses for acting the way you did. For instance, “I’m sorry I yelled but you really pushed my buttons!”. | While you can explain that work stress has had you on edge lately, you need to sincerely apologise for your reactions and take ownership. |
| Shifting blame | This is when parents blame children for their reactions, such as “I wouldn’t have yelled if you just listened to me!”. | Stop naming and shaming. End of story. |
| Using apologies as manipulation | Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” can seriously undermine the effectiveness of this exercise, as they make kids feel responsible for the conflict. | Always practice active listening, without judgment, when your kids are explaining how they feel. |
The Conversation Continues
Remember, repair isn’t about perfection; it’s about progress. You’re going to drop the ball a few times on your parenting journey, and that’s okay!
By practising repair, you’re not only strengthening your relationship with your child but also teaching them great lessons that they’ll carry with them for life. So, next time you find yourself in a heated moment, take a deep breath and choose “repair”. Your kid will thank you for it, and your family will be stronger because of it.
P.S.: Here’s Dr Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk (you’re welcome!).
We’d love to hear what you think…
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