Do you enjoy one child’s company more than the other? Perhaps you gravitate towards your easy-going daughter while your strong-willed son tests every ounce of your patience.
If you’re nodding your head in agreement (and feeling a small wave of guilt wash over you), you’re certainly not alone.
Let’s be frank: parental favouritism is one of those taboo topics that has parents frantically up in arms. “I love all my children equally,” we protest. But recent research may suggest otherwise.
So, let’s pull back the curtain on this uncomfortable reality and explore why having a “favourite” doesn’t make you a terrible parent. In fact, understanding the dynamics might just make you a better one.
Parental Favouritism Is Real (But Misunderstood)
A new study from the American Psychological Association confirms what many of us secretly suspect: parents do treat their children differently, even when they’re trying their absolute hardest not to.
The research examined data from over 19,000 participants and found that favouritism occurs in around 65% of families across different cultures.
Alexander Jensen, associate professor at Brigham Young University, stated: “For decades, researchers have known that differential treatment from parents can have lasting consequences for children. This study helps us understand which children are more likely to be on the receiving end of favouritism, which can be both positive and negative.”
But here’s the thing: having a “favourite” child doesn’t mean you love one more than the other.
Instead, it’s actually quite normal. It’s got a lot to do with natural human tendencies towards certain personality types, shared interests, and shifting family dynamics. Think about it: we click with some people more easily than others in our adult lives, don’t we? So, it’s fair to say that it might just be easier to connect with a child who “clicks” with you.
How “Favouritism” Shows Up In Real Life
So, what does favouritism actually look like in everyday family life?
The researchers whittled this down to five key areas:
- Overall treatment: Do you find yourself drawn to one kid but struggle to connect with the other?
- Positive interactions: Do you praise one child more? How often do you make a (equal) fuss for all your kids?
- Negative interactions: Is there one child in particular that bears the brunt of your frustration? One you discipline more often or give more chores to?
- Resource allocation: Which kid do you spend the most time or money on?
- Control: Are rules, boundaries, and consequences consistent for all your children?
These patterns can surface in our day-to-day lives, often without us even realising.
But the data doesn’t stop there. Traits like birth order, temperament, and even gender can influence these dynamics. Here’s how:
- Birth order: The study found that older kids were more likely to have greater autonomy as, presumably, they are more mature.
- Temperament: Jensen found that conscientious kids who were responsible and well-organised appeared to have heightened favouritism from parents.
- Gender: Originally, researchers thought that mums would favour daughters and dads, sons. Surprisingly, the study showed that both parents tend to lean more towards girls.
Why It’s About Feelings (Not Fairness)
According to Professor Laurie Kramer from Northeastern University in the US, it’s not the differences in parental treatment that affect children’s wellbeing; it’s how kids perceive them.
“It is the experience that people have, that a parent prefers another child to them,” she says. “This could be by devoting more time, attention, praise, or affection. Possibly asserting less control, so that they may enjoy fewer restrictions, be subject to less discipline or even punishment.”
So, what does this mean? Children who feel they are treated as second best may experience:
- Higher anxiety levels
- Increased risky behaviour
- Depression
- Lower self-confidence
- Emotional withdrawal from family
- Increased sibling rivalry
Jensen had a similar viewpoint, stating: “Siblings who receive less favoured treatment tend to have poorer mental health and more strained family relationships”.
On the other hand, kids who feel loved and valued, even when parental treatment isn’t perfectly equal, typically develop healthy self-esteem and family bonds.
Parent Tip: What You Can Do About It
If you’re frantically scrolling through your social media feeds to check that you’ve posted equal numbers of photos of each child, take a deep breath.
Here’s how you can healthily handle these natural dynamics:
- Check in with yourself: If you notice you’re connecting more easily with one child lately, stop and ask yourself why. Are you stressed? Are they easier to parent right now? Is one kid going through a phase that requires more of your attention? Self-awareness is the first step towards balance.
- Talk about it: Children pick up the subtlest details, even if you think they don’t. If one sibling gets more support or is subject to stricter rules, explain why. Don’t shy away from talking; taking the bull by the horns is the only way to manage family conflicts. When children understand your reasoning, they’re less likely to hold resentment or kick up a fuss.
- Listen, don’t dismiss: If your kid expresses feeling second best, hear them out. Resist the urge to dismiss them even if you don’t 100% agree. Validate their feelings while explaining your perspective (diplomatically, of course).
- Make every child feel seen: This is particularly important for more challenging youngsters. They may need extra reassurance that they’re equally loved, even if their behaviour can test our last nerve. Make a conscious effort to ensure all your children are seen, heard, and valued for their uniqueness. Think one-on-one time and celebrating individual wins (no matter how big or small).
The Conversation Continues
So, the next time you find yourself feeling a slightly stronger pull towards one of your offspring, don’t beat yourself up. It’s part of the wild rollercoaster ride we call parenting.
The secret isn’t in pretending these moments don’t happen, but rather in ensuring every one of your children knows they are completely treasured, loved, and understood.
By embracing the messiness of modern parenting, listening without judgment, and making sure everyone feels seen, you’re building a strong family unit that’s big enough for everybody!
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