Should you let your child win at games? Or is it okay to clobber them at Monopoly? I mean we’ve all seen this video…
This question has sparked some pretty heated debates in Facebook parenting groups as of late. Some say it builds confidence; others argue it sets kids up for a rude awakening in the real world.
We’ve all been there, sitting cross-legged on the floor, rolling a dice or moving a game piece, and wondering, “Should I let them win this one?”. While we want to encourage our kids to participate, we equally want to prepare them for life’s disappointments.
But which approach is best? Fortunately, we’ll look at both sides of the coin, taking advice from experts and parents alike.
Let’s jump in!
Argument #1: Let Them Win To Build Confidence
Letting kids win with age-appropriate games can be a great way to build their confidence, especially in early childhood.
Little victories, like landing on the right square in Snakes & Ladders or scoring a goal in the back garden, can be stepping stones to bigger achievements. For young children, these wins aren’t just about the game; they’re about developing a sense of accomplishment and encouraging them to keep trying.
Why it works?
Here’s why letting kids win can be excellent for their development:
- Confidence-building games: Winning helps children feel capable and proud of themselves, which is important for their self-esteem and confidence.
- Motivation: Early success motivates kiddos to continue trying and develop a positive attitude towards challenges.
- Engagement: Winning can make games more fun, encourage children to participate more frequently, help them develop a love for playing, and strengthen their social and emotional development.
- The science behind it: Small wins release dopamine, the brain’s “feel good” hormone, which triggers positive emotions.
Expert and parental insights
Shebna Osanmoh, a psychiatric nurse practitioner from Parents, emphasises the importance of early wins: “Positive early experiences with games and competition are important for 3 to 5-year-olds. At this stage, frequent wins help build their confidence and keep them interested in playing”.
One parent on Reddit had a similar view and suggested “matching your kids’ skills so the game is fun”. They also shared a brilliant analogy: “It’s like an adult goes to play tennis with a friend who happens to be very good at the sport. It’s no fun if they spend the whole time blasting you.” Pretty good points to think about!
However, as kids grow older, they need to start experiencing natural wins and losses. When children know how to win and lose, they are more likely to be prepared for school and other challenges. Whether you’re playing Snakes & Ladders or hide-and-seek, gradual defeats actually teach kids resilience––which we’ll cover next.
Argument #2: Let Them Lose To Teach Resilience
On the flip side, many argue that letting kids win is a form of overparenting—when parents shield their kids from every bump in the road because they don’t want their little darling to experience discomfort or disappointment. This applies to all aspects of a kid’s life, whether losing at family games nights or not being picked for a school sports team.
Constantly letting kids win actually does them a disservice. After all, life isn’t always fair and teaching kids resilience equips them for the real world. By losing, kids learn invaluable skills like coping mechanisms and problem-solving skills needed throughout their lives.
Why it works?
Here’s how losing could be the new winning:
- Emotional regulation: Losing helps children manage their feelings of disappointment and frustration, which are important building blocks of resilience.
- Coping and problem-solving skills: It encourages kiddos to develop coping strategies such as deep breathing or positive self-talk to handle negative emotions associated with defeat. Losing also teaches kids to ‘think outside the box’ and strategise new ways to win or achieve their goals.
- Learning from mistakes: Failure teaches youngsters that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes. It instils a growth mindset where setbacks are seen as learning opportunities, and losing isn’t the end of the world.
- Good sportsmanship: Losing gracefully teaches our kids empathy, allowing them to respect others’ successes while navigating their own disappointments.
- Motivation and grit: Experiencing loss can motivate children to work harder to achieve their goals, where they can bounce back from disappointments with determination, hard work and grit.
Expert and parental insights
Don’t just take our word for it. Here’s what Amanda Gummer, child psychologist and founder of The Good Play Guide, had to say: “Building resilience in children is an investment in their long-term mental health and well-being. Remember, resilience isn’t about shielding children from difficulties but empowering them to face and overcome them.”
One Reddit parent also took a similar approach on the matter: “I don’t let my kids win every time because I think it’s important [for them] to learn to be a good loser as well as a good winner”.
As we can see, both experts and parents understand the importance of teaching children resilience. While Gummer highlights the long-term benefits of mental health, the Reddit parent’s viewpoint is equally important as kids need to learn to be humble winners and losers.
Middle Ground: A Balanced Approach
So, should you let your children win or lose? The answer to this parenting dilemma may lie in the in-between. A balanced approach takes into account your kid’s age, personality and the type of game you’re playing.
Here’s a quick breakdown to illustrate what we mean:
- Age matters: For younger children (aged 3-6), letting them win occasionally can be a real confidence booster. As kids get older (5+), gradually introducing more competitive play can help develop their resilience, problem-solving and strategic thinking skills.
- Personality types: Some kids are naturally more sensitive to losing, while others thrive. Tweak your approach based on your kids’ temperament––only you know them best! For instance, a highly competitive child might benefit from learning how to lose gracefully early on, while shyer kids might need a few more wins to build their confidence.
- Game type: Consider the nature of the game. Skills-based games like chess or Scrabble are great for teaching strategy and perseverance, but they may require you to let the kiddos win from time to time. On the other hand, luck-based games like Snakes & Ladders can help introduce the concept of winning and losing, where fair play is the name of the game.
Another important thing to remember is to lead by example, as little eyes are always watching, and little ears are always listening. If you’re going to be a sore loser, expect your child to follow suit. But, if you celebrate when your little one wins and congratulate them enthusiastically, they’re bound to show good sportsmanship not only during the game at hand but throughout their lives, too!
The Conversation Continues
The debate of whether to let your child win at games isn’t black and white. Both sides have valid points: winning can build confidence, while losing teaches resilience. The key is to strike a balance that works for your child’s age and personality.
So, what do YOU do? Do you let your children win no matter what, or do they have to earn it? Join the discussion on Facebook or tell us in the comments below. Let’s keep this parenting debate alive because when it comes to raising happy, resilient children, every perspective counts.
