Let’s be honest: Parenting can be a challenging journey.
We all strive to be the best parents, but sometimes, we fall into patterns that can unintentionally impact our children. Maybe you’ve noticed yourself constantly hovering over your kid or struggling to apologise for your mistakes.
These aren’t always conscious choices; they can be ingrained habits.
This guide explores 10 common parenting mistakes—not to judge, but to understand and improve. It’s about recognising these patterns so we can build stronger connections with our children.
Let’s dive in—we’re in this together!
10 Parenting Mistakes And How To Avoid Them
Here are the most common parenting mistakes (in no particular order) and ways to correct them:
1. Invalidating emotions and boundaries
Imagine your child comes to you feeling frightened about a storm or sad about a fallout with a friend. Instead of acknowledging their emotions, you might say something like, “Don’t be silly,” or “It’s not a big deal”.
Similarly, when your child says they don’t want to do something—like hugging that long-lost uncle who came to visit—getting mad when they instill boundaries isn’t the best way to handle the situation either.
Why?
These responses can be hurtful or make our children feel they have to do uncomfortable things. When we respond to our children like in the examples above, we send a message that their feelings and boundaries don’t matter and that it’s better to suppress them.
What’s the impact?
Invalidating emotions in childhood has been linked to:
- Borderline personality disorder
- Narcissistic tendencies
It can also cause:
- Feelings of insecurity
- Depression (and other mood problems)
- Hyperactivity
- Defiance
- Warped sense of self-identity
Additionally, invalidating boundaries can make a child feel:
- Unsafe
- Unloved
- Not cared for
- Unimportant
Ways to fix it
A few ways to prevent these mistakes include using:
- Active listening: Listen genuinely without interrupting. Ask questions to echo back their emotions and show you understand the situation.
- Normalise emotions: Let your child know it’s okay to feel scared/sad/frustrated. We all have feelings—good, bad, and everything in between. When we normalise feelings and share a range of emotions in our own lives, kids feel safe coming to us for help, advice, or comfort.
- Boundary setting: Kids need to know that boundary setting is 1,000% alright. And, that parents are on their side no matter what.
Have you noticed this in your parenting style? How did you handle it?
2. Overprotectiveness and helicopter parenting
We all want to protect our kids from harm, but sometimes our urge to keep them safe can get in the way of their development.
Signs of “helicoptering” include:
- Micromanaging their every move
- Constantly monitoring their whereabouts, including at home
- Being excessively involved in their lives
- Doing everything for them, including chores and homework
- Not allowing them to tackle their own problems
Why?
Overparenting our kids is like micromanagement with a capital M, which can cause stunted emotional, social and behavioural development. Doing everything for your youngsters isn’t teaching them anything, including the ability to be an adult.
What’s the impact?
Experts say that helicopter parenting can lead to kids having:
- A heightened sense of entitlement
- A lack of self-worth
- Poorer emotional and behavioural regulation
- Weaker adult relationships
- Lower self-esteem and confidence
- A lack of life skills
Furthermore, clinical psychologist Dr Jenna Vyas-Lee is a firm believer that “helicopter parenting is creating problems with children’s resilience”.
Ways to fix it
While it can be difficult, take a step back.
Allow your kids to do things for themselves (within reason, of course), even if it means they might make mistakes or not get chores right the first couple of times. This is the only way they will learn and become resilient individuals in the future.
Also, respect their privacy as they get older—you don’t need to read every single WhatsApp message your teen receives. Give them an age-appropriate level of autonomy to make their own decisions, choose their own outfits, make friends, and complete household chores without interference!
3. Failing to apologise or admit mistakes
One of the most important lessons we can teach our youngsters is to take responsibility for our actions and to say sorry when we’ve done something wrong. Yet, many of us struggle to apologise or admit our own shortcomings.
Why?
Shifting blame, making excuses, or denying our mistakes does not teach kids anything about owning their mistakes.
Kids mimic actions, not words. If they grow up in a household where no one takes accountability for their actions, they think it’s okay to do the same.
This can cause:
- Difficulties with empathy
- Poor social skills
- An “I’m always right” attitude
- Adoption of similar behaviour
- Weakened adult relationships (including lost trust in child-parent relationships)
Ways to fix it
- Own your mistakes: Everyone makes mistakes. Be quick to apologise when you’ve done wrong. Say things like, “I’m sorry for yelling at you. I was frustrated but that doesn’t excuse my behaviour. I’ll do better next time.” Be a good role model for your children.
- Take responsibility: Avoid shifting blame or making excuses. Take control of your behaviour and ownership of your actions.
- Focus on repair: After apologising, focus on repairing the relationship with your child through things such as spending quality time together.
4. Discouraging curiosity and self-expression
It’s easy to discourage our kids’ curiosity and self-expression without realising it. We might be tired of answering all our toddlers’ “Why?” questions or mock our teens’ personal interests.
Why?
Those “Why” questions are how little ones learn about the world around them. When we shut them down, it can make them feel like their curiosity isn’t important.
Plus, making fun of our children’s interests, whether they’re into dinosaurs at age four or 14, might make them feel like their individuality and passions are silly.
What’s the impact?
Here’s how discouraging interests and self-expression impact children:
- Limits creativity and exploration
- Restricts intellectual and emotional growth
- Damages self-esteem
- Impacts their mental health and resilience
- Leads to rebellion
- Damaged parent-child relationships
Ways to fix it
- Embrace the “Whys”: Instead of getting frustrated, look at these (endless) questions as an opportunity to connect with your child. Answering the “whys” in the earlier years ensures older kids come to you with bigger questions.
- Listen and validate: When your kid shares their ideas and interests, listen to them. This shows you are genuinely interested in what fascinates them.
- Be supportive: Encourage your kids to partake in hobbies or sports they enjoy, even if it’s not something you envisioned. For instance, you might have wanted your daughter to be the next Serena Williams, but she’s more into ballet.
- Celebrate efforts: You don’t need to go overboard praising your kid. A simple “well done” will suffice.
5. Using shame or emotional manipulation
This may involve:
- Using guilt or shame to control a child’s behaviour, such as “What you’ve done has embarrassed me!”. The “silent treatment” is another prime example.
- Emotional blackmail, where parents may say, “I won’t love you any more if you do XYZ”.
- Being dismissive, like saying, “Get over it, life isn’t fair”.
Why?
Phrases like the above can break our children’s spirits. And, as parents, we need to be their biggest cheerleader and supporter.
What’s the impact?
Here’s how shame and emotional manipulation can impact kids:
- Lower self-esteem
- Negative self-talk
- Feelings of not being good enough or unworthiness
- Difficulties with regulating their emotions
- “People pleasing” tendencies
- Mental health issues—anxiety, depression, perfectionism
- Problems with academics, behaviour and social interactions
Ways to fix it
- Empathy: Validate your child’s emotions, even if you don’t agree with the behaviour. While we’re not saying you must be lenient and let bad behaviour slide, you can empathise with them when they’ve done something wrong. For example, if your kid lied about finishing homework, instead of yelling and saying something hurtful, try “I understand that you might have felt you couldn’t tell me the truth because you were afraid of getting into trouble, but lying isn’t the solution.”
- Set boundaries: Setting clear, consistent rules is a surefire way to let kids know what is and isn’t expected of them. Explain the reasons behind these boundaries as well as the consequences for breaking them.
6. Neglecting presence and support
Imagine it’s your child’s Christmas concert or weekly football match. All the other parents are there, except you. Or perhaps your kid received a good mark on a class test, and you forgot to say well done. There’s no doubt your kid is going to feel down, right?
This is a form of neglectful presence and support.
What’s the impact?
While we understand these actions may stem from parents being overwhelmed or inundated with work commitments, missing these special moments and achievements can be hurtful to your kid.
Here’s how it impacts them:
- Feeling emotionally insecure, unimportant or unworthy of love or recognition
- Lower self-esteem
- Difficulties establishing trust
- Behavioural issues
- Mental health issues—chronic stress, anxiety, depression
Ways to fix it
- Prioritise quality time: Carve out time with your child, even for a few minutes each day. While you might not be able to attend all sports games or concerts, prioritise big game days where possible.
- Celebrate small wins: Praise your kid for achieving their goals, getting good grades, helping with chores, or just being a good friend. No accomplishment is too big or too small.
7. Creating toxic relationships with failure and success
We’re not encouraging parents to focus only on the end goal, such as good grades or making the A-side; you need to acknowledge your kids’ effort along the way, too.
Why?
Praising children for ability rather than effort may discourage them from even trying because they’re too afraid to fail. They might also feel their efforts are not good enough to live up to Mum and Dad’s standards.
What’s the impact?
- An intense drive for perfectionism
- Low resilience
- Low problem-solving skills
Ways to fix it
- Praise progress: If your child usually receives 60% on their report card but has improved their grades to 65%, praise them for the effort they’ve put in.
- Normalise failure: No one learnt anything without failing, including Thomas Edison (who failed 2,000+ times before inventing the lightbulb). So, you can’t expect your kids to “get it” the first time around. Remove the pressure and let them persevere.
8. Ignoring bodily autonomy and personal comfort
Forcing our kids to hug or kiss relatives when they don’t want to is a common parenting mistake. And getting upset with our kids’ boundaries is another red flag.
Why?
We know you have good intentions (no one wants to raise a rude, impolite kid), but pushing youngsters far out of their comfort zones shows parents don’t respect them.
What’s the impact?
- Kids may feel they have no say or control over their bodies.
- Children may find boundary-setting in adulthood difficult.
- Ignoring bodily autonomy can impact their self-confidence.
- Kids may be more vulnerable to abuse as they’re used to adults ignoring them when they say “no”.
Ways to fix it
- Always respect your children’s boundaries
- Teach consent early
- Model good boundary settings
- Encourage children to speak up, especially when uncomfortable
9. Introducing adult issues too early
Many of us are guilty of using the phrase, “We can’t afford that,” when speaking to our kids, especially when our toddler is nagging in the supermarket. While this is often done to avoid purchasing another Peppa Pig plush toy, constantly speaking about adult issues like financial stress can have an adverse effect on our children.
The same goes for leaning on our kids for emotional support or involving them in family conflicts regarding relationship issues or work-related stress.
What’s the impact?
When kids are exposed to adult issues too early, it can cause:
- Increased anxiety
- Fearful behaviours
- Loss of innocence
- Parent-child role reversal
Ways to fix it
- Keep the stress at bay: Avoid discussing financial and relationship issues in front of your children. Allow them to enjoy their childhood without being burdened by adult problems.
- Be honest: If they ask questions, you don’t have to lie. You can give them a simple, age-appropriate answer while reassuring them that everything will be okay.
- Seek help: Instead of relying on youngsters for comfort and support, seek professional advice to help handle your situation.
10. Failing to teach practical life skills
Failing to teach life skills is closely related to the earlier point on helicopter parenting. This is when parents might:
- Do all the household chores
- Make decisions on their child’s behalf
- Solving their children’s problems so they don’t experience stress or discomfort
What’s the impact?
Here are a few things kids may struggle with when not properly equipped with essential life skills in earlier years:
- Independence
- Self-motivation
- Self-esteem
- Social skills
- Decision making
- Problem-solving
- Responsibility
- Resilience
Ways to fix it
- Start now: It’s never too late to start teaching life skills. Give kids smaller tasks before bigger ones, allowing their confidence to grow.
- Get them involved: Gradually include kids in household chores like washing the dishes once a week or feeding a pet daily. This helps them be responsible and gives them a sense of accomplishment. Let them make basic decisions, like choosing what to wear or which wallpaper they want in their room.
- Set realistic expectations: You can’t expect your kids to get the hang of things on the first try. And, remember, they probably won’t do it that well either. Provide ongoing support, but resist the urge to jump in and help!
The Conversation Continues
Parenting is a journey of constant learning. We all make mistakes. But what matters is the willingness to learn and grow.
No parent is perfect; we’re doing our best with what we have. But we can strive to be better. With a few tweaks to our current parenting style (and a whole lot of patience and grit), we can become more mindful parents who are quick to apologise, celebrate wins, and equip our kids with the life skills they need.
We’d love to hear about your parenting style. Please share your thoughts, insights, experiences, and tips in the comments below.
